At the same time, being a pastor scares the living daylights out of me. For one thing, the way I interpret the Bible has an impact—sometimes a big impact—on lots of people around me. There's a whole congregation of people paying attention to me every time I preach. Sometimes people even pay attention to my reflections on this silly little blog, though I can't imagine why. Figuring out how to apply words written thousands of years ago to contemporary life isn't always a smooth and easy process. Sometimes I'm working on a Bible passage that doesn't seem easy to reconcile with a different Bible passage. Sometimes I wrestle with just how God's Word speaks to us in a modern situation that doesn't seem to be directly addressed in the Bible. I have training to help me. I consult other resources. I try to be careful about not saying more than I should or overstating my confidence in disputable areas. Thankfully the main message of the Bible is clear, and many passages are plain enough, but there are still tough passages. I definitely worry about making sure I interpret things properly and apply them faithfully.
Maybe scarier yet is the fact that people pay attention to the way I live my life. As a pastor I am a church leader. I'm not perfect (hopefully everyone remembers and understands that), but I am supposed to be mature. In the Bible God challenges church leaders to set an example for other Christians. That can be intimidating when there are many members of my congregation who have been following Jesus a lot longer than I have. We Christians are supposed to be like Jesus, but when I compare myself to Jesus, I see an overwhelming amount of sin in my life. My heart contains selfishness, anger, lust, pride, envy, stubbornness. I make other things more important than God in my life. I spend too much time ignoring God or acting like I don't need Him. I speak without thinking. I lack sympathy and concern for others. Plus, I am much too capable of hurting others. I hurt people if I forget to follow up with them or if I'm not quick enough in checking in when they're going through a crisis. Some days I think the most loving thing I could do for the people around me is find them someone who's a better pastor than I am.
So what do I do? I think the best thing I can do is remember. I remember that deep down inside God has given me a sense that He's called me to be a pastor. I remember that other people have confirmed that calling. I remember a few key times when things went well as evidence that God can work through me as a pastor. I remember that there's good reason to think I am growing in Christ because that growth means an increased understanding of my own sinfulness and need for further growth. Most of all I remember the gospel, the good news, and what it means for me. (And I hope you, dear reader, will remember this, too.) God the Father made me in His image and has remained faithful to me even though I am sinful. God the Son loves me so much that He came to earth, became human, lived, died, rose again, and ascended into heaven for my salvation. God the Sprit lives inside me, working to renew and transform me so that I can live for God and truly enjoy Him forever. That remembering encourages me to keep working, to keep pressing forward because God assures me that I am His and I am not alone, that my efforts are not futile, that pursuing Jesus is always worthwhile. There's no reason to have confidence in me, but there's every reason to have confidence in Christ.
Grace and peace,
BMH
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