First, sex is good, enjoyable, desirable, fun. Well, duh, Brian, you're probably thinking. I know that seems obvious, but I think it's worth stating. Sometimes we Christians seem to talk almost exclusively about how sex outside of marriage is wrong (and it is a sin), and so give the wrong impression that all sex is somehow dirty or at least only tolerable. But sex between husband and wife is a good thing. God designed us to enjoy sex, to desire our spouses, to take pleasure from physical intimacy. Sometimes I think Christians can struggle in marriage, especially early on, feeling like they shouldn't desire their spouse. But God wants married couples to enjoy sex. If you don't believe me, go read Song of Songs a few times.
Second, we as Christians should think of sex in marriage terms of giving. So often our culture portrays sex in selfish terms, teaching us to think about what we are getting out of sex. But I think it's much healthier for us to think of giving ourselves to our spouse. God tells us in the Bible that our bodies belong to each other in marriage. Each person should put their spouse first. We should think and act out of love for each other—there's no space for taking or forcing here. What does your spouse enjoy? What makes your spouse feel safe and comfortable? How often does your spouse want sex?
Third, I think we often wrongly try to think of sex as somehow separate from the rest of our married lives. But that's silly. As human beings we are body and soul together. We shouldn't expect physical intimacy to go well if we're having trouble sharing our feelings or communicating about decisions. Sex isn't off in some completely other dimension from things like eating together or helping around the house. All the parts of marriage are connected together. We can think about sex contributing to our marriage as a whole and also building on the other things we do togther as spouses. Sex isn't unimportant, but it's certainly not everything. We shouldn't expect to totally neglect physical romance, nor should we think it's all we need.
Fourth, I think we as Christians think more about connection and unity and not be overly concerned about passion or excitement. I'm not here to say sex can't be passionate or spontaneous or anything like that. But let's not confuse familiar with boring. To borrow what I think is a really helpful image from Lauren Winner, we as married couples can think about sex like comfort food. We're not less satisfied by mashed potatoes and gravy or chocolate chip cookies because we know what's coming. In fact, sometimes part of the enjoyment is knowing exactly what we're getting—an old favorite. Sex isn't about imitating couples on TV or impressing our partners but about coming together, being open with each other, caring for one another. Again, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying married sex has to be repetitive or unenthusiastic. But there's nothing wrong with comfortable and familiar. Sometimes all we need is to be with the person we love and have promised to share our lives with.
Finally and most importantly, as Christians we should approach sex with the goal of honoring God. This is the point that holds true whatever our circumstance, both inside and outside of marriage. In marriage we have the wonderful opportunity to express our physical desires, but we still need self-control. We shouldn't forget that nobody needs sex to survive. So we work on staying faithful to our spouses in actions and thoughts. We thank God for the gift of physical intimacy. We don't manipulate or exploit each other. Our marriages are meant reflect the relationship and unity between Jesus and His people, the church. So we should use sex as a tool to strengthen our marriage and bring us closer together. As couples we should cherish and cultivate and enjoy God's gift of sex.
Grace and peace,
BMH
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