If you read my blog at least semi-regularly you probably read some of my posts about our time in the NICU with our younger daughter, Mia. That was a stressful, difficult time. And yet, that really wasn't the beginning of our adventures with Mia. Way back in the spring of 2018, when Lanie, our older daughter, was a few months past her first birthday, Tess and I decided to try to have another baby. The summer and fall slipped by without Tess becoming pregnant. Winter started to drag along. Then, during January 2019 things got weird. Tess had gone almost two months without getting her period, but she really didn't feel like she was pregnant. She took a pregnancy test. Negative. We started to wonder what was going on. Some of our older friends had prepared us for the possibility of fertility troubles, but we really hadn't had any trouble with Lanie. We had figured we were some of the "lucky ones" who didn't have to go through that. Now we didn't know what to think.
The next few months were really hard. We went through a lot of wondering, a lot of questioning, a lot of lamenting. At times we wrestled with God. Sometimes we felt hopeless. It felt like we were carrying a heavy weight that we couldn't shake off. It felt like there was a hole inside us, a pain that just wouldn't go away. And often we felt so very isolated. Opening up about our struggle wasn't easy. We hadn't told anyone we were trying for a second baby, so there was explaining that needed to be done just to get started. And our troubles just felt so deeply personal that we had to feel very safe to even think about opening up. A large part of my job as a pastor involves trying to create an atmosphere where other people feel safe to talk to me. But a lot of times my work can also make it more difficult for me to feel safe to open up. For one thing, I often can help others trust I'll listen to them more if I don't spend much time talking about myself. But if I don't talk much about myself normally, then suddenly building up to a really serious discussion doesn't seem possible. So Tess and I really struggled for a while. And yet we knew that God was with us. Every so often, just when it felt like we were about to burst, God would send an old friend back into our lives, making us feel secure enough to share our burdens and process our fears and pain. God came through for us.
About a year into our journey, Tess was able to go in and see her doctor. After a few tests, we received a diagnosis: polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). Our doctor was optimistic. She recommended some diet and exercise changes and prescribed some medication. Tess and I had some hope again, but the pain was definitely still there. We were holding our breath. Then, at the end of July Tess started to seem a little different. She was more tired, maybe a bit more emotional. We practically whispered to each other, "Could this be pregancy at last?" Tess took another pregnancy test. Positive! God had answered our prayers. The long struggle was over. We excitedly shared the good news with family and friends who had supported us through our difficult journey. And we simply told other friends and acquaintances that Tess was pregnant again and left it at that.
But I don't know that it's that simple. I've thought about blogging about this a few different times in the past but didn't quite feel ready. It still feels so personal. I don't doubt God's goodness. He helped us through our darkest days with His presence and love. He even answered our prayers: we have a wonderful, healthy daughter, whom I love deeply. I'm not here to say that there hasn't been healing. But the scars remain. I still remember the pain. I'm sure it's changed me in some ways. Hopefully it's made me more sensitive, more caring, less quick to think I have all the answers. I certainly don't understand everything yet.
However, as we approach Christmas, I can say this: when I felt my absolute worst, when I didn't know what to think, didn't know what to say, I found myself turning to God. I couldn't hardly even express myself, but God was there. He made me feel loved, cared for, understood. I think that speaks to the great wonder of Christmas. We Christians don't worship a God who is distant or detached. We worship a God who comes to us, who in Jesus becomes one of us and lives among us to save us. Our God understands us. Our God cares for us. So yes, I have pain in my life. But with Jesus, I have hope.
Grace and peace,
BMH
