When I was 17 years old, I served as the youth representative on my church's youth pastor search team. The experience challenged and stretched me. I came in with little idea of what to expect and many times had reservations about whether or not I was really beneficial to the group. But I definitely grew from having responsibility entrusted to me and especially from learning from the other team members. After about half a year of searching, in the summer of 2008, our search team met with the church's "steering team" (essentially the elders) to make a recommendation to bring before the congregation. The meeting was long and heavy. We had detailed conversations and took a significant break from discussion to spend time in prayer and silence. I felt moved to speak at a fairly crucial point in our discussion, and I felt like God used my perspective in guiding us a certain direction. Eventually we came to an agreement and concluded our meeting. My work on the search team was finished, and I had a strong sense that God had used me.
Let me give you a little more background info at this point. The summer of 2008 was a great time in my life. I had experienced a huge breakthrough in track the previous spring and was still riding some of the high of qualifying for the state meet. That summer I became much more social than I ever had been before. Three of my friends and I were together all the time, constantly meeting up to hang out and occasionally have some sort of memorable adventure. That summer I also began attending our church's community youth drop-in night, which was a huge factor in pushing me toward a career in ministry. I was 17, enjoying summer and anticipating my senior year. Life was good.
But when I was leaving church that evening of the big two-committee meeting, life didn't seem good. After weeks filled with joy and excitement, my thoughts and feelings took a totally unexpected turn. Seemingly out of nowhere darkness and depression overwhelmed me. I started feeling like I didn't want to live anymore. I remember thinking, "Okay, God, this is it. I've done what you wanted me to do. You can take me now." I just felt drained. Spent. Finished. One of the steering team members caught me by the door, thanked me for my service, and, apparently sensing my pain, asked if I was okay and offered to talk with me. We chatted a bit, but I didn't really disclose anything. Eventually we said good-bye, and I walked over to my car.
Alone again, I wrestled with my thoughts and with God. I'm not sure I actually prayed this, but I remember basically hoping that I would die on my way home. After what felt like an eternity of anguish, I decided it was time to leave the parking lot. But before I pointed my car toward home, I pulled out my iPod. At that time I was obsessed with the album Fight the Tide by Sanctus Real. (It might still be my all-time favorite album, though I don't listen to it nearly as often as I did when I was 17.) Right in the middle of the album was my favorite song, a somewhat quieter but intense track titled "Change Me." I scrolled down and hit play. As I started driving, "Change Me" filled my car:
Did I change your mind with what I said last night?
Did I break your heart by straying so far
From what you have in mind for my life?
Would you change me from who I've been lately?
'Cause I know I'm nothing without you
Did my words betray the patience I once claimed?
Can't you see it in my face? I need your grace
Would you change me from who I've been lately?
'Cause I know I'm nothing without you
Would you save me from the way I've been lately?
'Cause I can't see living without you
So would you speak to me and show me what I need
Is it patience, kindness, all that's in between?
Loving others the way you love me?
Would you change me from who I've been lately?
'Cause I know I'm nothing without you
Would you break me from the way I've been lately?
'Cause I can't see living without you
Would you change me from who I've been lately?
'Cause I can't see living without you
As I reached the far side of town, I remember the line "So would you speak to me and show me what I need?" hitting me like a ton of bricks. That was my prayer. I nearly broke down in tears. And in that moment God's presence became clear to me. I didn't hear the voice of God or see a vision, but God touched my heart. Suddenly I knew that God had heard all of my prayers and knew everything that I was feeling. I knew that God was with me, that He had been with me, that He would continue to be with me. My feelings of darkness and depression didn't just evaporate, but I knew that I was going to make it. God was going to pull me through. God got me home safely and helped me get some sleep.
I love the psalms, and I think that night in the summer of 2008 is a big part of why I do. I think that my faith works much like the psalmwriters' faith. I don't think believing in Jesus means that I won't have trouble—far from it. But I do believe that Jesus cares about my pain and can handle all of my emotions and insecurities and struggles and fears. And deep down I believe that when I hit rock bottom and want to give up, God is there, listening and watching, giving me strength and helping me through. I know I'm nothing without Him. All the times when I wish I was better or wish I felt differently, it's good to know that God can change me. I can't see living without Him.
Grace and peace,
BMH
No comments:
Post a Comment