#14 Tears for Tim

The weekend of my ordination I had a "welcome to the ministry" kind of moment. I was beginning a series on Job that week, and on Friday morning I was writing my sermon when Tess got ahold of me. She let me know that Pastor Tim Koster, the pastor of Emmanuel CRC, the church we had attended in college, was stopping medical treatment. He and his wife had decided that he was ready to die and go to be with the Lord. It felt like everything froze around me. The news left me stunned.

I didn't know Pastor Tim super well, but he had been my pastor for the better part of three-and-a-half years. Pastor Tim helped me get started working with the high school youth group at Emmanuel. While I was in seminary, I ran into Pastor Tim at worship symposium each year. He was always excited to hear how I was doing and was quick to offer encouragement. He was a kind, caring, and compassionate man. He provided steady leadership and spoke with a soft but weighty voice. Pastor Tim was respected in his community and beloved in his congregation. I had a ton of respect for this man of God. He was very much the kind of pastor that I would like to be. If God uses me to minister even half as well in my setting as Pastor Tim seemed to minister in his setting, I would consider myself very blessed.

Tess and I had learned that Pastor Tim was sick back in the spring. Emmanuel invited me to come and fill the pulpit for him in April, which was a huge honor. A week or so before that, I had a brief conversation with Pastor Tim. He told me about the procedures he would be undergoing and told me that he was feeling optimistic. He wished me blessings in my job search and told me to let him know if there was any way he could be of assistance. I remember walking away from that conversation filled with joy. It was so good to talk to Pastor Tim again.

On the Friday I learned that Pastor Tim was ready to die, I spent some time reading Facebook updates to get a better sense of what was going on. Afterward, as I sat in front of my computer, trying to work on the sermon some more, I broke down. As the tears rolled down my cheeks, I thought about how unfair Tim's coming death seemed and about the pain and grief his family and his congregation were experience. And then I came to a realization about the nature of my ministry: I'm the person in my church community that others come to talk to about their pain and grief. I don't have a pastor in the same way that other people do. This was something that we talked about in seminary, but this experience really brought it home to me. It was a strange thought, a scary thought. But at the same time, it was a validating thought. In that moment I wanted someone to talk to, someone to share the experience with. I get to be that person for others. God calls me to walk beside others in their grief and pain. It won't be easy or smooth, but it will be honest. It will be heartfelt. It will be real. And I think that's a lot of what ministry is about.

(P.S. Please don't feel sorry for me. That is NOT my intention here. It's not like I'm in this alone. Tess and I support each other. I have family and friends outside the church that I can talk to. I have a mentor in my classis pastor, and he serves as my pastor in a way. Plus, while my relationship with my congregation is not level in some ways, they definitely support me, especially my council members.)

Grace and peace,
BMH